Tough Conversations: Talking Over What Really Matters
Copyright 2004, Patsi Krakoff
Some conversations are so difficult that we do anything to avoid
them. Then, when things have really built up, we finally have no
choice but to confront the issue, and the person.
"We need to talk," usually precedes an argument rather than a
conversation. Why are such conversations difficult? Because we
are stuck between knowing what we really feel and knowing what
we shouldn't say.
Genetically, we humans are hard-wired for flight or fight. When
emotions are triggered we have physiological reactions for
aggression and/or avoidance. It is actually against our nature
to sit down and talk it over. So how would we know how to do
this?
What if there were a map to follow when you had to have a
difficult conversation? What if you could untangle the
complexities of difficult conversations and break them down
to basic components? It would make it easier to say what
needs to be said, and still preserve the relationship.
Fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project has
produced some interesting information about what goes on during
conflict. The book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What
Matters Most, is written by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila
Heen and Roger Fisher (Penguin Books, 2000). Given that in life
we prepare ourselves extensively for almost everything including
our educations and careers, it is surprising that we haven't
studied conversations more.
All difficult conversations share a common structure. To see the
structure, we need to understand what is being said, and also
what is not being said. We need to see what both participants
are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other. This
involves tuning into three underlying conversations at the
same time:
1. The "What Happened?" conversation.
2. The "Feelings" conversation.
3. The "Identity" conversation.
Every conversation involves grappling with these three
components. Managing all three simultaneously may seem daunting,
but it's easier to do than facing the consequences of engaging
in conversations blindly.
What You Can Change, What You Can't
No matter how much we prepare we can still get tangled up in
conversations where what happened is more complicated than
initially presumed. We will have information the other person
is unaware of and there may be things we can't share. We will
face emotionally charged situations that feel threatening
because they put important aspects of our identity at risk.
In these cases, look at what we can change instead of what we
can't. We can change the way we respond to these challenges.
Sometimes a third party can help facilitate difficult
conversations. Talking it through with your personal coach
can help you decipher the underlying components of a difficult
conversation. Your coach can help you examine your assumptions,
your emotions and your personal identity. You can have difficult
conversations in a way that improves relationships instead of
risking hurt feelings.
Reader Survey:
What is the biggest challenge you have encountered when having
difficult conversations?
What has helped you the most?
Email: mailto:patsi@customizednewsletters.com
The full 1,000 word article covers these concepts:
Why some conversations are so difficult
Fight, flight or talk?
Mapping underlying structures
Three components of every conversation
Thinking, feeling, personal stakes
Personal identity issues
Five steps to consider
What you can change, what you can't
How your coach can help
Patsi Krakoff, Psy. D., CBC, writes and edits articles for coaches and consultants. Her web site is http://www.customizednewsletters.com. For other articles send a blank email to mailto: dr.patsi-45475@autocontactor.com. For BizBook Nuggets, send an email to mailto:dr.patsi-57738@autocontactor.com.
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